REVIEW: Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power – Season 2, Episode 7, “Doomed to Die”

Television Reviews

**DISCLAIMER: CONTAINS SPOILERS**

Firstly, it must be addressed that the title of this episode is rather fitting for those of us who are subjected to watching this utter filth. 

Moving on… this episode begins with Grammabrimbor standing out on the balcony, sipping tea, looking out over Eregion, the birds chirping and the sun shining. The scene changes, and he’s now working on the nine rings for the Race of Men. After a few more sequences, he ceases his work, pausing to pick up Fëanor’s hammer when he notices one of the inlay gems is missing. As he begins his search for it on his hands and knees, there’s a random mouse scurrying about the forge, and it is very odd that a mouse would be in a forge because there is literally nothing there for it to eat (but remember this little rodent for later). After murmuring a greeting to his little fuzzy friend, he catches himself in a mirror upon the table and is shocked to see himself looking tired and disheveled. But before he can look more, his reflection becomes one of health and good grooming just as Figgatar enters, asking him if he’s fallen. The very image that formed in my mind’s eye was that of the commercial many have seen, “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up.” 

Grammabrimbor stammers out that one of the gems in his hammer is missing, picking it up again to turn it over when the very missing gem is safely in its place. Figgatar chides him for his forgetfulness, then asks after the progress made on the rings. Grammabrimbor reports that he needs but a few more days, and there’s a long soliloquy of nonsense not worth repeating. Figgatar exits the forge to utter chaos outside, striding about the ramparts with that moron-ish smirk on his stupid face. 

Adar and the Orcs are standing on the other side of the river, watching the city of Eregion burn. The former tells the Orc nearest to him in Black Speech, “It is time.” 

Figgatar strides over to some soldiers, and apparently, that female Elven smith is involved, for she asks what the orders are from Grammabrimbor. Figgatar states that the “Lord of Eregion” refuses to counterattack and that the “river will protect them.” The soldiers say they must do something, for every moment they remain idle, more and more Elves die—well, quite frankly, in this show, that’s not a bad thing. Figgatar then asserts himself as commander of their defenses and orders them to assemble “the finest soldiers.” That is the most homosexual—actually, this is only the beginning of highly homosexual lines in this episode. As the soldier leaves, female Elven smith demands to know what Figgatar is not telling the others. There’s a ridiculous, sappy scene with her touching his arm, and Figgatar says she has proven her worth and will be “duly rewarded” when the time comes. Suddenly, he pauses and states that the Orc siege engines have become silent. They have started to turn them about towards the mountain. Figgatar orders the soldiers to prepare for a ground assault. Projectiles from the siege engines hit the mountain and giant boulders crash into the river below, beginning to dam up the river so they may cross over. 

And who is to appear?? Discount Legolas!! The scene changes back to Grammabrimbor, working away, but he takes a moment to make a mark on a candle with a charcoal pen. 

King Durin III is being briefed that Eregion is under siege. The King demands the mine that Disa found be excavated, knowing that with this war, the Elves will be wanting more mithril for armor and weapons. The other Dwarf, whose name escapes me because I do not care for any of these characters leads a team down to the mine where Prince Durin and Disa are standing guard, holding axes. But the other Dwarves stand down, stating they are with them. They conspire to remove the Ring from the King, which, in this show, is acting like the One Ring WHEN IT SHOULD NOT AT ALL, as mentioned a few times in past reviews. Dwarf man whose name I do not care to remember tells Prince Durin there is an Elf who wishes to speak with him; however, they must sneak him in because this particular Elf is banished from Dwarf lands. Yes, it is indeed Elrond. 

Remember when it was mentioned that there were a few very homosexual lines in this show? These next lines are the cherry on top. Elrond says, “My heart sings to see you again, old friend,” to which Prince Durin’s reply is, “You flower-tongued flagpole.” It’s honestly embarrassing how these writers believe they came up with something so clever only to have it sound so incredibly stupid. The two speak of what has transpired since their last meeting, and Prince Durin flat-out says he is planning to overthrow his father. Elrond’s response is a plea for their armies to join forces and save Eregion from the Orcs and Sauron. 

The Orcs march upon the Elven city. It’s also totally not this awful show trying desperately to imitate the Orc’s assault on Helm’s Deep in The Two Towers. Also, apparently, Miss Female Elven Smith is savvy on war, for all the soldiers are reporting to her, and she’s giving them all the information on the Orc army. While this show is at it, they also have the “good guys” attempt to stop a machine that is reminiscent of the battering ram in Return of the King as the Orc army begins to assault the city of Gondor. 

In the forge, Figgatar once again asks about the progress of the rings. HOW MANY DAYS HAVE EVEN PASSED IN THIS SHOW?? That is one of the biggest questions that needs asking, but these writers don’t have a shred of talent or IQ, so how would they even know themselves? Oh, remember the mouse? Yes, this is the scene where Grammabrimbor begins babbling on about a pattern with the mouse and how the candles do not melt down as the hours pass. Figgatar’s response is, “You sought peace, so I gave it to you.” Grammabrimbor finally grows a bit of a spine and an ounce of intelligence and demands to know who Figgatar really is. There’s yelling, an argument not worth repeating because it’s so utterly, mind-numbingly STUPID. Then, Grammabrimbor tosses the hammer out the window, which shatters the glass, and finally, FINALLY, he hears the explosions and screaming of the chaos outside. He stumbles out to the balcony—the very same one he stood on in the beginning—and sees the destruction of the city. The illusion is finally over. He re-enters the forge and weeps like a lost child, gazing around to see the forge, too, is in ruin. The mithril has turned into a black goo, and Grammabrimbor demands to know what it is. Figgatar holds up a hand to show a slash, his blood black instead of red. He says, “True creation requires sacrifice.” SAYS LITERAL SATAN. 

FINALLY, Grammabrimbor figures out who Figgatar is, but he walks out of the forge again, only to be hit by a flaming ball of fire. No, he is not dead, even though, realistically, he would be. He recovers and finds… guess who?? Female Elven Smith!! She, apparently, is the Boss Lady because everyone and their mother reports to her in this awful show. Grammabrimbor tells her he has been deceived—not really, my guy, YOU allowed it to happen!!—and that Figgatar had him in a prison of his mind. But Female Elven Smith looks at him like he’s got a screw loose, which everyone in this show does, quite frankly. 

The Orcs are about to breach the wall. Grammabrimbor finally gives an order to brace the foundations of the wall because where they stand is the weaker section when… yes, Figgatar is back. Grammabrimbor tells the soldiers to seize him, but they do not move. He yells that Figgatar is Sauron, and if they do not believe him, to cut him open and see his blood, which is black as pitch. Figgatar holds up the very same injured hand from earlier, only this time… his blood is red. Female Elven Smith takes charge once again, gently chiding old, feeble Grammabrimbor to go back and rest when he jerks away, but as he does so, Sauron/Figgatar makes a gesture, and Female Elven Smith gets tossed down the wall like a rag doll into the mud, right at the feet of an Orc that takes its axe to make the final blow that kills her. Yeah, so much for the Orcs just wanting to raise their families, not be involved in any wars, not wanting to kill anything…

Figgatar gives his ultimatum that Grammabrimbor must finish the nine rings, and he will spare Eregion. 

Grammabrimbor: “What will you do with them?”

Sauron/Figgatar: “Create a perfect, lasting peace.” 

A horn bellows, and the army from Lindon has arrived. They charge the Orcs, and, oddly and highly uncharacteristically, the latter stays put, rolling up a cage with Guyladriel in it. One of the Orcs has a blade to her throat. The Elven army, led by Elrond, ceases. In the tent, Adar wants to see the ring he knows Elrond has because STUPID GUYLADRIEL TOLD HIM, but that should be expected since this piss poor version is evil. Elrond states he does not have the ring and that it would’ve been foolish to bring it with him. Adar insults him, calling him a courier rather than a soldier. Guyladriel blurts out that the army should’ve kept charging; YES, this is the ONE TIME I agree with her because then she could’ve been trampled and us viewers saved from enduring her any longer. Adar orders the Orc guarding her to cut out her tongue if she speaks again—now, THAT would do us ALL a favor!! 

Adar then goes on to explain how they share Sauron as an enemy and demands to be given the ring to use to defeat him. Elrond counters that Adar has already done Sauron’s bidding by laying siege to the city. “Eregion is already in shadow. It belongs to the Deceiver now.” 

Elrond, being an utter fool in this awful show, does not believe that Grammabrimbor would allow that to happen. HA! He welcomed Figgatar with open arms! Adar tells him he cannot save Grammabrimbor, but he can save Guyladriel: the ring for her life. Also, apparently, Adar knows all about Elrond’s parentage and his life because he goes on a spiel about it. Elrond says for them to meet on the battlefield and then they’ll decide, but Adar is going to kill her anyway—and put her head on a spike. Okay, I like Adar; if he gets rid of Guyladriel, all the better. Elrond asks to bid her farewell, which he is permitted to do. He walks up to her, removing a pin from his cape, whispering in very poor Elvish, “Forgive me.” She responds, “Win.” 

What happens next is the most BLASPHEMOUS THING EVER AND UTTERLY UNNECESSARY. Elrond KISSES HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW. Yes, in the true lore, Elrond marries Galadriel’s daughter (who should be around at this time, by the way), who is the mother of Arwen. Anyone who is trying to justify this, saying it was so he could “casually” hand Guyladriel the pin so she could free herself from her bonds, is probably a dung-eating DUNDER HEAD. There are SO MANY OTHER SCENARIOS they could have used, but they chose AN UNNECESSARY KISS!!!!! 

Outside, as Elrond exits the camp, another Elf soldier comes to him, asking why he is so confident (in English), and Elrond says they have the aid of the Dwarves (in Elvish). Why does this show do this?? 

Prince Durin has assembled the warriors of Khazad-dûm. As a voiceover of his speech plays, Guyladriel uses the pin to free herself from her cuffs. Then, it flits to Grammabrimbor finishing up one of the rings under the eye of Figgatar, even though the latter has cuffed the former to the table. Durin continues his speech, which is not worth repeating, but the gist is to harness the loyalty of the Dwarves and fight alongside their friends. 

Elrond is riding through the woods with two Orcs following him. The voiceover speech continues, this time showing King Durin sitting on his throne, holding an axe, surrounded by piles of gold. He rises and leaves. 

Prince Durin’s speech goes on, and finally, he finishes to roars of approval. 

Elrond is fighting more Orcs on the way to Eregion. He’s knocked from his horse but continues to fight. He looks up after killing the last Orc to one slitting the throat of his horse, which was already down and struggling. The Orc licks the blade of its sword. Elrond gets big mad and kills the Orc that killed his already dying horse. The fighting at the wall of Eregion continues. An Orc reports to Adar that the wall is stronger than they anticipated, and they won’t have it breached until morning—completely contradicting what Grammabrimbor said earlier about the wall being weak. The report goes on to say that the Elves have destroyed five of their trebuchets and asks if they should retreat. Adar says no, they must not allow Sauron to escape. This causes the Orc to cry out a plea to his “Lord Father”: 

“You told us you loved us!” 

Why does this awful show want the audience to feel sympathy for literal demon killing machines? Oh, that’s right, because the people involved in this are nihilistic dimwits. Adar’s explanation is that he does not want “his children” to be Sauron’s slaves. Too bad, they are later. And they enjoy it BECAUSE THEY ARE EVIL. Adar enters the tent to see Guyladriel gone and the guards dead. He orders the others to find her as he picks up the pin Elrond gave her. 

Guyladriel, who is in the ABSOLUTE worst disguise ever (just a hood covering her face), waltzes on through the Orc camp, poorly trying to imitate Sam and Frodo in disguise in Return of the King. A female Orc asks her to help move a body, and she sees that they burn the dead on bonfires. Adar then walks right past her, going over to one of the dead, muttering a phrase as a tear rolls down his cheek. Yes, we know, this nihilistic show wants the audience to feel bad for the baddies. Guyladriel turns off and walks away, but not without (finally) a pair of Orcs, becoming curious, following her. As one Orc blocks her way, several arrows fire through the air, killing all three surrounding her. Guyladriel climbs out of the trench to meet… oh yes, Discount Legolas, who is on a mission to kill Adar. She pleads with him (which is utterly pathetic listening to this chick attempt some emotion) that he’ll die, but he doesn’t care because Adar has already taken everything from him. She tells him it would be a pity to “lose another Elven hero.” 

What has he done to be so heroic? Dude is pretty selfish. 

The Dwarf army is assembled and prepared to march onward to Eregion. Dwarf guy whose name I do not care to remember comes running to tell Prince Durin that his father has turned on his men, cutting them down like trees. The King is determined to dig and, of course, in the process, “awaken the beast.” THE BALROG IS NOT SUPPOSED TO AWAKEN FOR ANOTHER 2,000 YEARS!!! 

Durin is worried about Disa, who is still down at the mine and the one who sent the Dwarf to warn the prince. He also says that if Durin were to go, Khazad-dûm may not be there when he returns. 

In the forge, Figgatar tells Grammabrimbor, “Be not afraid, for this, too, shall pass.” WOW, YEAH, LET’S GIVE SATAN LINES LIKE THAT, YEP. He also says once Middle-earth is “healed” and everyone sees what they have accomplished, all their suffering will be worth it. Then, Figgatar goes on this sob fest about how he’s sorry to treat Grammabrimbor the way he has, but Morgoth treated him so badly. THIS SHOW WANTS YOU TO FEEL BAD FOR LITERAL SATAN. NOPE. Morgoth wanted to destroy everything, but Sauron, oh, he only wanted to “perfect it.” It became a game for them to see whose will was mightiest. Although when he said Grammabrimbor chose to suffer under him, he wasn’t wrong. He welcomed Figgatar/Sauron with wide-open arms. 

As Figgatar leaves, Grammabrimbor picks up the ring, and disembodied voices ensue. He takes them all and tosses them into the flames. The scene changes to a fiery explosion with Orcs flying through the air. The battle in Eregion rages on, Elrond amongst the combatants. 

Grammabrimbor removes the rings from the fire, completely undamaged and whole, and also cool to the touch. ‘MEMBER GANDALF WITH FRODO IN THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING?? WHEN HE TOSSES THE ONE RING IN THE FIRE?? ’MEMBER??? 

These rings are NOT supposed to have ANY characteristics like the One Ring!! The only time the wearers become puppets of Sauron is when he FORGES THE ONE RING IN SECRET!! Although, with this show, who knows? Figgatar/Sauron has probably forged the One Ring already; we just haven’t seen it. Grammabrimbor places the rings in a bag and attempts to free himself from his shackles, but to no avail. Then, he goes up to this random… machine thing? He uses it to literally chop off his own thumb. He exits the forge, stumbling about again through the chaos of the city, to be hit by another flaming projectile that hits the stairs he’s running down, and, of course, the force knocks him over. When he comes to, soldiers surround him and, seeing that he’s maimed himself, inform him they’ll be “putting him back where he belongs” by the order of the new Lord of Eregion… FIGGATAR!! DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!! 

Then, in usual Rings of Power fashion, Guyladriel has teleported to Eregion and tells the soldiers to release Grammabrimbor. Of course, the “strong, independent WAHMEN” in this show save the men, who are portrayed as bumbling fools and chided any second. He admits to her that he created the rings and the nine more, faulting himself for their creation. Guyladriel actually admits to her faults as well, her being the reason Sauron is even in Eregion in the first place (in this stupid show). 

This awful, nihilistic show then has the audacity to have a character give a speech about light overcoming darkness. Grammabrimbor leaves with the soldiers, and Guyladriel tucks away the pouch of rings the former gave her in her shirt. 

The Orcs have nearly breached the wall. This Asian Elf lady with Elrond and others says she can take the shot to destroy the war machine, she just needs a clear shot. Right as Elrond orders her to take said shot, several Orc arrows pierce through her; three, to be exact. Yes, this is another piss poor attempt to copy a scene from the Lord of the Rings films, particularly the death of Boromir. Using her last bit of strength, she fires the arrow to destroy the war machine and dies. 

Discount Legolas stands on the wall and sees that the Orcs are clearing away, which, at first, makes the others believe they are retreating when, in reality, they’re making way for a troll. 

Figgatar is very angry, smashing things about the forge, looking for the nine rings. Grammabrimbor enters and says the rings will long be out of his reach by now. Figgatar orders Grammabrimbor to bring him the rings and place them in his hand. Excuse me, he just told you he does not have them; they’re gone, out of your reach. Grammabrimbor orders the soldiers to seize Figgatar, but using the same trick with the Female Elven Smith, he makes them all kill themselves. 

The troll rampages through the battle, using the bodies of the fallen as a shield against any arrows flying towards him. Elrond is fighting Orcs when Discount Legolas yells for him to watch out as the troll comes towards him. Then the troll decides to take one of the battering machines and rams it against the wall, which finally causes it to collapse, breaching it. High Gil-galad teleports out of nowhere, and he, along with Discount Legolas, defeat the troll. 

A horn bellows and Adar orders his children to march with him. At that moment, the sun rises and cue another repurposed line! 

Elrond in Rings of Poo: “The Dwarves are coming!” 

Bilbo in The Hobbit: “The Eagles are coming!” 

A single rider is seen charging down the hill, and as the rider draws nearer, it’s revealed that he’s injured. He tells Elrond the Dwarves have withdrawn their army, but the imbecile that Elrond is in this show still believes they’ll come. 

High King Gil-galad orders his army to form ranks. The orcs charge. Discount Legolas spots Adar in the fray and goes after him. The two fight for a few moments, then Adar stabs him. Wow, this show really likes to off the minorities; what bigots. 

Elrond stares about him and looks down, then up to see Adar standing before him. He reaches down to grasp him by the throat, then tosses him aside, his hand coming away with Guyladriel’s ring on a chain.

***

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