REVIEW: The Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power – Season 2, Episode 4, “Eldest”

Television Reviews

***DISCLAIMER: CONTAINS SPOILERS*** 

Sadly, this episode has Guyladriel in it again…

Episode 4 begins in Lindon, where Elrond, the only one with sense on this show, and Guyladriel are gathering up a squad to travel to Eregion. There has been no word from Celebrimbor. Elrond asks if she knows of any archers and swordsmen to take along with them. Her reply is, “Trust me? Are you sure that’s wise?” Ooooh, so you’re admitting that you messed up and are untrustworthy? Wow, how good of you. Elrond says that, with the urging of the High King, he appointed her first lieutenant, but “if you deem this appointment is beneath you, I will chose another.” BURN. 

The scene actually cuts to a montage of traveling instead of the teleporting this show has been doing. They come across a ruined bridge, which Elrond says was destroyed “by lightning.” Oh, but do not fret, for Guyladriel knows that this is the work of Saurrrrrrrrron! The group must find another way to travel, and while discussing this, the ring gives Guyladriel a vision. She states, “There is evil in these hills. Ancient and filled with malice.” Elrond decides they must go south, though, of course, Guyladriel opposes this, but THANK GOODNESS ELROND STICKS TO HIS GUNS!!!! He tells her the company will not take counsel from “that trinket,” and neither will she. If she cannot abide, then she’s to return to Lindon. Her reply is that she’d like to—then why don’t you??? But she “does not wish to see any of them slain,” especially Elrond. 

Back to The Stranger/Totally no Gandalf, searching for female Frodo (Nori) and female Sam (Poppy)—can they please be dead, please??? Ahem, so he comes across a goat that he follows up a slightly steep incline to a house nestled up in the mountains. This is the residence of FAKE Tom Bombadil. He has a West Country accent and sings a few lines of the very song THE REAL Tom Bombadil sings when he saves Frodo and company from the Barrow-wights in the Old Forest. The Stranger/Totally not Gandalf tells him he’s looking for stars that appear to be “above his house.” The map that depicts these stars is blown out of The Stranger’s hands by a light breeze while Fake Bombadil continues his singing. The map gets caught in a tree, which strikes in the mind of The Stranger that he can break off a branch to use as a new staff. In doing this, the tree consumes him—a repurposed scene from The Two Towers, in which the same happens to Merry and Pippin when they’re arguing over the enchanted water. 

Now, we discover that the Harfoots survived the dust devil (much to my great chagrin). They see one of the Easterlings on horseback looking for them, dart around before leaping off a small ledge, and roll down the hill to find… another halfling pushing a cart. This time, it’s supposed to be a Stoor, another breed of Hobbit. Stoors were broader, heavier in build; their feet and hands were larger, and they preferred flat lands and… riversides. These ones are in a desert in Rhûn, nowhere NEAR where they actually preferred to settle in the lore. Oh, and did I mention diversity? 

Poppy/female Sam asks the Stoor his name, to which he replies, “Nobody,” but after some more questioning, he finally says that his mother calls him “Merrimac.” Poppy/female Sam makes eyes at him after introducing herself, and Nori/female Frodo appears to get jealous. After this, they ask where he got the water that’s hanging in a pot off the cart, and suddenly, he bolts. They follow him as he’s saying no outsiders are allowed in the village, but then Poppy threatens that they’ll “turn him in,” as the water he took is from the well of the “Big Folk.” 

Nobody/Merimac then agrees to take them to their “Gund” or “Dwell leader.” However, there are rules to follow: one, never look her in the eye (of course, the leader is a female); two, stand three steps back; and lastly, never call her “Gund.” Then why the hell take the position if no one is allowed to call their leader by their position name??? 

Once in the villages, filled with very diverse Stoors, a woman steps out and asks why Poppy and Nori have been brought there. “Nobody” says they needed a place to hide, to which the woman replies, “With half the devils in the desert searching for them?” LADY, how the HELL do you know about that?? It was never said!! Oh, wait, it’s Rings of Power. Anyway, clearly the Gund asks for the girls to give one good reason why they should be permitted to stay. Nori/female Frodo goes on a spiel about how she’s traveled a long way with her friend to help him “find his destiny.” The Gund asks who this friend is, and Poppy says a giant, and the Stoors assume an elf, or “grand-elf.” Then Nori, who suddenly knows all, says, “He’s a wizard.” Well, this does not sit well with the Stoors, who know of only one wizard, The Dark Wizard; therefore, they’re ordered to tie up the girls on the accusation of him being their wizard friend. 

And speak of the devil, we return to the Dark Wizard himself. The Masked Man is reporting that the “Istar” (Elvish word for “wizard”/“wise one”) is more powerful than anticipated, conjuring up a giant dust storm that killed his other men. Wow, those little Halfling girls are tougher than we thought! (WHY??) It said that the Stranger/Totally not Gandalf is heading north to the “hermit.” He asks after the Harfoots, to which Mask Man replies that they are still searching for them. The Dark Wizard tells the latter to worry solely about the Harfoots and to leave the Istar to him.  

Fake Tom Bombadil repeats the VERY SAME LINES Treebeard spoke in The Two Towers when freeing Merry and Pippin from the tree that “swallowed” them to make this tree release The Stranger. Once inside the house, The Stranger is bathing when he hears both Tom and a woman singing. When asked about this, Tom replies, “What woman?” Mystery box BULLSHIT. Also, we all know that this is Goldberry and that she’ll probably be black. The Stranger asks who exactly he (Tom) is, to which he recites nearly WORD FOR WORD WHAT THE REAL TOM BOMBADIL SAID TO FRODO AND COMPANY IN THE LORD OF THE RINGS: 

“Don’t you know my name yet? That’s the only answer. Tell me, who are you, and you alone, yourself nameless? But you are young and I am old. Eldest, that’s what I am. Mark my words, friends: Tom was here before the river and the trees; Tom remembers the first raindrop and the first acorn. He made paths before the Big People, and saw the Little People arriving. He was here before the Kings and the graves of the Barrow-wights. When elves past westward, Tom was here already, before the seas were bent. He knew the dark under the stars when it was fearless — before the Dark Lord came from Outside.” 

The Stranger/Totally not Gandalf asks Fake Tom if he can teach him magic. Fake Tom tells of another Istar he crossed paths with, teaching him magic, who is now the Dark Wizard currently ruling over Rhûn, and should he join Sauron, “fire will burn the earth.” It should be noted here that the TRUE Tom Bombadil is an enigmatic character, a metaphor for the disappearing forests. He was never in the Second Age nor involved in any conflict. 

We are once again with Guyladriel and co. It is night, and they find themselves in the Barrow-downs. Oh yes, let’s do another repurposed scene from the books that wasn’t in the original film trilogy. They discover the dispatch that never made it to Eregion to warn Celebrimbor of Sauron. Guyladriel says they must leave this place and draws her sword. Then, one of the other elves is caught and dragged away by chains that have sprung seemingly from nowhere and disappears into a cairn. Barrow-wights then appear and attack. They realize their weapons have no effect on the Barrow-wights, and Elrond orders one of the other elves to help him open one of the tombs—how he knows this, who’s to say? Guyladriel is then caught by the same chains, only this time, magically, Elrond appears and kills the Barrow-wight attempting to take her. After defeating them, Elrond explains how the only weapons that can kill the Barrow-wights are the ones they were buried with. Well, since you apparently knew that information, why didn’t you say something sooner?? Oh, and Guyladriel also knows Sauron is the reason the Barrow-wights have been awakened. Go figure. 

Returning to Isildur and gang, they are currently searching for Theo, who disappeared in the last episode. All are worried, especially Isildur, but Discount Legolas assures him that the kid has been through worse, and he believes he’ll be all right. The two go their separate ways, and after a while, Discount Legolas finds some white petals and follows them to discover human limbs strewn about with carrions cawing in the background. 

Back in the town, the search party is deciding what to do. Many propose going to the Wildmen encampments and burning them down, however, Discount Legolas does not believe what he saw that night was done by human hands. Stabby Girl steps forth and says they should go north, for that’s where many of the Wildmen are. 

The scene changes, the aqueduct is fixed, and after Isildur makes eyes at Stabby Girl some more, Discount Legolas confronts her about the wound on her neck. She tells a story about sleeping too close to the fire the other night. They stare each other down for a few seconds, then she tosses the pot she was holding at Discount Legolas. It shatters, and, after a scuffle, he reveals the wound on her neck is to hide the Mark of Mordor. It is then decided they will use Stabby Girl to help them find the Wildmen. 

Now, on the way, Isildur whines about how Stabby Girl (who’s shackled) betrayed him because she knew he was Númenorean. Bro, she stabbed you; what did you expect?? The scene changes again, and we learn that Theo is up in a tree, caged by the branches, with other Wildmen. 

Back to the trio, as they’re walking, Isildur gets sucked into a mud bog. Discount Legolas attempts to free him but gets sucked in himself. They’re under the mud for quite some time, and Stabby Girl runs off. One may think she’s left them to their deaths, but no; she returns with a branch that she thrusts into the mud, obviously hoping one of them will grab the end. There’s a tug, and suddenly, a giant mud worm monster emerges. The girl stands there like a deer in headlights when a sword pierces through the monster’s flesh, and out come Isildur and Discount Legolas, covered in mud. The former asks what that creature was, to which the latter replies that he does not know but reveals he has a chunk of meat on the end of his sword and proclaims it to be “supper.” Did anyone ever tell you not to eat mysterious food? 

Returning to the Harfoots again, the two girls and “Nobody” are tied together. (Why the Stoor? They don’t say.) They’re about to be kicked from the village when Nori mentions Sadic Burrows. The Gund leader lady then goes on with a story describing the Shire and how this Burrows wished to find this place for them to settle. Nori has a little cry about “not having a home” when, umm, last we heard, the Harfoots are nomadic. 

Mask Man then appears in the village and demands to know where the Harfoots are. Gund lady says the only halflings around are Stoors. Mask Man then goes on to say, “Do you know why we wear these masks?” He explains that if any should defy The Dark Wizard, they will find the answer. 

Back to Guyladriel and company. They have just buried their fallen, and she goes over to Elrond to whine to him about how she “knows he believes the ring is deceiving her, but [she believes] it is guiding her.” 

Elrond says he foresees Celebrimbor’s fate will be in his hands, and he will do anything to protect him. Guyladriel promises that more painful sacrifices will be made as she has more flashes of visions from the ring about Sauron. After this, she asks him “to promise her that he will put defeating Sauron above all else—even [her] life.” And he does indeed promise this to her. BRO. Elrond. Don’t you dare relent now!! Not when you are the only character I like enough in this AWFUL show!! 

Back at night with Soy Isildur, Stabby Girl, and Discount Legolas, Stabby Girl is sitting by a fire in her shackles still on when Discount Legolas places the key beside her and walks off. Apparently, he’s leaving it up to Isildur to make the decision to release her… which he does. She attacks him, but never fear; Discount Legolas is here!! He points an arrow directly at her; then, suddenly, it’s raining white flower petals. Cue the Ents! But this time, unlike in Peter Jackson’s trilogy, there’s an Entwife!! 

Remember?? Also, in the lore, they are “lost,” according to Treebeard in the Third Age. 

Soy Isildur yells at Stabby Girl to drop her sword, but it is too late; the Entwife smacks her away. THANK YOU. Discount Legolas goes by the Entwife, speaking “Entish,” and she asks him if he has ever chopped down a tree. Why, yes, he has, in the first season. Of course, he reveals this, and it infuriates the Entwife (who is a Karen) more when an Ent appears and explains how the Orcs have been destroying their forest. Discount Legolas soothes the Karen Entwife by promising no more harm will come to their forest again… okay. How’re you going to do that, my guy?? 

That’s when Theo appears, as the Ents have released them now, along with the other Wildmen, one being Stabby Girl’s husband or betrothed, whatever. Sorry, Soysildur; you’ve been friendzoned. The Ents leave, and Theo and Discount Legolas reconcile. Yay. (Can you hear the sarcasm?)

Guyladriel and co. come across the Orc army of Adar—remember, they’re “peaceful” and just “want to care for their families.” The company believes that they must be in league with Sauron or at war, therefore a message must be sent to the High King before their host sails for Morrrrrrrdorrrrrrrrrr. Suddenly, an arrow fires and hits one of the elves. Believing the Orcs have discovered them, they turn about to face them when they see that the arrow was misfired, as the Orcs have been attempting to shoot a random horse galloping around. Oh, and Guyladriel’s ring? Yeah, it has healing powers. Who knew!!? She heals the wounded elf, then tells them to return to Lindon, and she’ll “hold them off as long as [she] can.” She removes her ring and hands it to Elrond. Wow, so noble. She goes to sacrifice herself. 

She fights the Orcs; then, suddenly, that horse appears, and she leaps on, shooting a fiery arrow that, in turn, sets several Orcs ablaze. 

“This is Elven Lands! Go back to the shadow!” 

GIRL. GIIIIIIRRRRRRRRL. GET GANDALF’S LINES OUT OF YOUR EVIL ASS MOUTH. She’s then knocked from the horse, and Adar is standing over her. 

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