REVIEW: The Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power – Season 2, Episode 5, “Halls of Stone”

***DISCLAIMER: CONTAINS SPOILERS***

This episode opens with a shot of sprawling mountains, which transitions to the rivets of a ring—one of the Dwarven rings. King Durin III picks up his ring but does not yet put it on. As he turns away, disembodied voices begin to speak from the other rings. 

Now, the king is with the delve master, assessing the tunnels being dug to let in sunlight, but every effort has made the mountain unstable. Durin III walks off, climbing up a ladder, much to the others’ slight shock, leading them to a spot where he tells them to dig. He is wearing his ring, which appears to be his guide in this process. Durin IV warns the king that the wall he has ordered to be dug is a foundation wall, but the former remains adamant and orders to be given an axe. They give it to him, and he proceeds with digging. As he continues, the mountain rumbles, and debris falls from the ceiling, but then, a perfect hole appears, which brings in a shaft of sunlight. 

Afterwards, the king tells the other dwarves exactly where to dig, thus bringing in more streams of light to grow their crops. Oh yes… dwarves are known for being vegetarians. WRONG! They eat meat and bread! OH MY FREAKING LORD THIS STUPID SHOW!

Grammabrimbor is in the forge with other elves and a group of dwarves, giving a speech about how wonderful it is that the elves and dwarves, working together, have achieved the wonder of forging the rings of power. Sauron/Annatar stands off to the side with female assistant elf who pats his arm—girl, Guyladriel is going to get jealous of you. 

Narvi, the delve master of the dwarves (I think?? I do not know half of these characters, honestly), is summoned forth, where he presents… the Doors of Durin. REMEMBER???? THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING??? This show is so retarded OH MY LORD ALIVE!

Celebrimbor quips about dwarves being greedy while Sauron/Annatar leaves the room to brood outside. This dude does A LOT of brooding. A few moments later, Celebrimbor joins him and asks if his speech was “too much.” Sauron/Annatar complains that he told him previously to keep it shorter. Celebrimbor plays dumb, saying he doesn’t recall him saying that. They have more exchanges, which honestly are not worth describing because this show is dumb and thinks it’s clever. Then, Celebrimbor brings up possibly making rings for the race of men, which, of course, piques Sauron/Annatar’s interest. He wishes to help the Southerlings and give them the same power as the Elves and now Dwarf lords have. But the former scoffs at this notion, saying, “It is a game you play, is it not? Sowing seeds in other’s minds and convincing them that the fruit is of their own thought.” 

THERE IS HARDLY ANY MANIPULATION IN THIS STUPID SHOW!!! ALL THE CHARACTERS DO AWFUL OF THEIR OWN VOLITION!!! 

Sauron/Annatar then says, “I thought our minds were as one in this.” He continues to demand to make rings for men, but Celebrimbor is actually not having it. “Much of the miseries of men is of their own making.” They argue for a bit more, then Sauron/Annatar MENTIONS BEREN, SON OF BARAHIR, who cut a Silmaril from Morgoth’s crown to be the bride-prince of Lúthien Thingol’s daughter and was slain by Carcharoth the wolf of Angband, great-grandfather of Elrond and Elros and ancestor of the Númenorean kings. 

Sauron/Annatar then proposes they seek out “the wisest and purest of heart among men, men we can trust. From Númenor to Rhûn. We identify nine ring-bearers of the nine greatest mortal kingdoms.” To this, Celebrimbor ACTUALLY says no, but as Sauron/Annatar leaves in a haughty huff, he proclaims he himself will make the nine. 

Switch to Númenor. Pharazôn is speaking with his asshat son, whose name I do not know nor care to learn at this point. The former is jealous of the Elves and their immortality, wishing to strive for more, greater things than merely being a king. His son replies with, “The Age of Men is upon us. Let us take it; let us build the Númenor you’ve always seen in your mind’s eye.” Pharazôn stands like a doofus, looking almost like the actor forgot his line, when he brings up the boy’s mother and how she prophesied that “he would come to an ill end.” What kind of mother is that?? The son asks what exactly she said, but Pharazôn withholds it, saying he must prove himself with the task he’s setting him or he will have “other uses” for his son. Wow, this kid’s parents are awful. 

Now, at night, Elendil the Short is with Míriel as they hear chants from the people for Pharazôn. She laments this, but Elendil assures her that there are “other voices” and that many “prayers ascend night and day for you. For their queen.” He also tells her that the Sea Guard is still loyal to her, saying they can “make this right.” Míriel protests this, and she places a hand on his chest. 

The show is obviously hinting at a romance between them, which NEVER HAPPENED. “It was you who opened my heart again to the way of the Faithful.” There are more lines that try to be Tolkien-esque but fail miserably. Míriel asks him what he saw in the palantír, to which he replies he “saw himself, lost, riding away from the city.” This makes Míriel believe that the vision has changed, and she goes on this monologue, which, in part, goes, “Not every battle must be fought to be won. Sometimes maintaining stillness of heart is the greatest victory of all, the greatest act of faith one can perform.” Excuse me??? So… nothing?? Battles are meant to be lost?? Why have one if one side does not intend to win?? This show is so stupid… a phrase that will be seen often throughout this review. 

Elendil does not understand her meaning, so she explains to him how hers was seeing Númenor fall. Well, lady, hate to break it to you, but in the real lore, you DO die, and Elendil escapes with his SONS. The next day (I think??), Elendil discovers that the Sea Guard are being stripped of their ranks. And guess who’s put this into effect? The FAKE, MADE UP daughter!! Originally, they were to be charged with treason, but she got the king to lessen the punishment a bit—what a stupid bint… I mean, cow… I mean, what a nice girl. She argues with her father, still upset and supposedly “mourning” her brother’s death, blaming the queen for listening to the “Elf stone.” Her father turns to leave, and she spits out that he’s “walking a treacherous path,” to which his reply is, “And yours is seawater. Take care to keep your feet beneath you; it’s a long way to the bottom.” The sea is always right, guys!!! He walks off towards the table where the other men are giving up their uniforms, and he hands the man behind it his sword. After this, many of the Sea Guard men begin to shout, “Valar bless you” and “Thank you, captain,” much to the asshat son of Pharazôn’s chagrin. 

Fake daughter Eäiren (I think that’s her name??) goes up the Valandil—I never knew this character’s name until now because, honestly, I do not care about ANY of them—saying that she can get his name off the list because he’s her “oldest friend,” but he scoffs at her, saying, “It’s clear who your friends are.” 

At night again, a pedestal is shown with the palantír set on top, covered with a cloth. Pharazôn approaches it, removing the cloth to expose it. 

Now, to High King Gil-galad. He’s sitting at a desk, reading a letter from Celebrimbor stating that he’s very pleased with the success of the Elven rings. The letter then explains how the forge is now dark and the workshop empty, but he sees “brighter days ahead,” then asks the king to visit one day. With the arrival of this letter, the commander of the south states that it proves Guyladriel wrong, and they should invade the Southlands immediately. Oh, the commander of the South? Another female elf. During this, Gil-galad has a vision of destruction from his ring, with Sauron at the head of it. The scene changes to Elrond running through the woods after leaving Guyladriel in the last episode. 

Back to the Dwarves. Durin IV and Disa are bickering, the former stating that she “pushed for this,” which she does admit to. However, she brings up that “it’s a gift from Aulë to hear the mountain,” although she does harbor concerns that the power will get to the king’s head. Funny, in the real lore, the Dwarven rings do not corrupt the Dwarf lords because it’s very difficult to corrupt a Dwarf. Also, the One Ring hasn’t even been made yet. 

At the market, Disa wishes to buy a “tuning stone” for her youngest daughter’s birthday. It turns out to be much more expensive than usual due to a new law set by the king called “The Ring Tribute;” for every coin spent, another goes to the crown. Disa barters with the seller and ends up buying it, much to Durin IV’s annoyance. As she walks off, someone bumps into her, causing the tuning stone to slip from her hands and roll off. She follows it down a dark tunnel that leads into a vast, open cavern with a decent-sized body of water at the center. She does that godawful shrieking they call “singing” in this show and finds the stone, which she picks up, but as she does this, there’s a rumbling and growling as the water begins to shift, then comes in a wave towards her. She drops the tuning stone, which shatters into pieces. 

Remember The Fellowship of the Ring, before the company was trapped inside Moria??? When the kraken monster grabbed Frodo?? Remember???  It’s the kraken monster, no doubt. 

King Durin III has summoned seven emissaries of the Dwarven realms to propose a deal. He tells them, “Middle-earth is changing,” and a “dark will threatens their kingdoms.” His proposes that he will give the remaining rings to the Dwarf lords, but for a price. 

The scene changes, and the king is now with his delve master, demanding old restrictions to dig deeper in the mountain be struck. (Totally not alluding to the Balrog…) He then realizes his ring is missing and accuses the delve master of stealing it, but the latter points to the table and says the king removed it himself, for he said his “hand felt heavy.” OH. MY. FREAKING. GOOD. LORD. THE ONE RING IS NOT EVEN MADE YET (but with this stupid show, Sauron probably did make it behind the scenes, and we just didn’t see it) BUT ALSO MENTIONED BEFORE, DWARVES ARE NOT EASILY CORRUPTED!!!! 

Then, Durin IV bursts into the room, informing his father that there’s something sinister deep in the mines, that Disa heard it. Son tells father not to dig further, but the king continues with the plans anyway. Durin III then explains that he can “see” what the stone singers can hear and that Disa is mistaken; all there is to dig is riches beyond belief. 

It now returns to “old queen” Celebrimbor. Sitting at his desk in his workshop, he hears one of the female assistants in distress. Down below, the other elven smiths stand around Sauron/Annatar when Celebrimbor sees one of the tools floating in the air. Suddenly, all the objects in the forge go haywire, but when a sledgehammer comes towards him, Celebrimbor grabs it, and the blonde female assistant appears just as a ring is removed from her finger. EXCUSE ME?? FOR REAL?? The girl then begins to describe what she saw: “A world just like this one, but shrouded in mist and darkness.” OKAY SHOW. WE SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING. She also describes a figure surrounded by fire, saying that his eyes were empty, and he “reeked of death.” OH. MY. LORD. IS THIS THE “ONE RING” THEN?? IS IT??

Celebrimbor asks what was done differently with this ring, and the others state that it was the same process as the last, with the exception of mixing alloys. This show IS SO STUPID. Celebrimbor is A JOKE; he’s a SHELL of his true character—this is a total DESECRATION of a complex, interesting character!! 

Moments later, elven guards enter the forge and inform Celebrimbor that Durin IV is there to speak with him. He tells them to have him wait while Sauron/Annatar offers to speak with the dwarf prince. Suddenly, Celebrimbor changes his mind and goes immediately to speak with Durin. 

Durin IV begins to describe how his father’s behavior has changed, that he’s gotten colder and quicker to anger. He also refuses to share the rings with the other Dwarf lords, unless they promise half the shares in their mines. Celebrimbor is shocked but assures him that nothing could be wrong with the rings, as a similar process and material to the elven rings were used. Durin accuses the “ring maker” and asks just how well he knows “this Annatar.” 

Speak of the devil… the scene changes, and Sauron/Annatar is sitting with the female elven smith assistant, telling her she is very brave for “some who behold the Unseen World are never quite at home in this one.” This show is so FREAKING STUPID. Sauron/Annatar explains how he didn’t want anyone to see the Unseen World until “he is healed,” implying that Celebrimbor has been weakened by the making of the rings. He makes her promise to never speak a word to anyone about their conversation. OH, AND HOLD UP, IT’S NOT DONE YET! The next exchange goes thusly: 

Sauron/Annatar: “How strange. When the light caught your hair, for a moment you seemed her perfect likeness.” 

Female Elf assistant: “Whose likeness?” 

Sauron/Annatar: “Why, Lady Galadriel’s, of course.” 

Well, not only does this show have Guyladriel lusting after Sauron’s hot D, but it also has Sauron himself lusting after her. And apparently, he can call her “lady” while others can only call her “commander.” THERE WAS NEVER ANY “RELATIONSHIP” BETWEEN THE EMBODIMENT OF PURE EVIL AND THE ACTUAL LADY OF LIGHT!!! Galadriel, the REAL ONE, was HUGELY distrustful of Annatar from the start in the true lore, and to even portray SAURON, THE DARK LORD, in any way sympathetically… to make ANYONE feel bad for him… this show is pure blasphemy to these beloved characters, every single one. 

In Númenor, where a ceremony is being held in one of the oldest cathedrals on the island, the High Priest is speaking, and several people, including Elendil, place candles that are in sea shells on the water’s surface, where they begin to drift off. Pharazôn’s asshat son arrives with guards and orders everyone out because “the shrine is condemned by order of the King.” The priest protests this, to which the reply is that the cathedral is “in the way of the new aqueduct.” What the hell is this show…

As others leave or are led out by force, the asshat son looks over at Elendil, smirking, and taunts, “How does it feel to have a daughter who’s ashamed of you?” Then, some random old man is ordered out, but he refuses, wanting one of the relics (which resembles the Virgin Mary a bit). As the asshat son begins to hand it over, he drops it, and the relic shatters into pieces. Elendil then punches him in the face. Why thank you; it’s about time you did something useful. Asshat son orders the guards to hold Elendil (which, oh my goodness gracious, the dude holds him with one arm, and Elendil acts like he can’t escape; IT’S SO PATHETIC). Asshat son walks up to Elendil, about to punch him back, when that one guy…Valandil?… stops him. He and the Asshat son grapple, the latter shoving the former into the water, nearly drowning the kid. He breaks free and proceeds to break Asshat son’s arm; then, Valandil removes his sword and points the tip at the asshat son’s throat. Elendil yells for him to stop, and the young man obeys, DROPPING THE SWORD and TURNING HIS BACK on his opponent. So, anyone can guess what happens next. Yes, Asshat son picks up the sword and stabs Valandil through the chest. Honestly, it was shocking this show allowed someone to die; typically, a building can fall on a character, or they can be caught in a volcanic explosion, and they’ll live to tell the tale. As the young man dies, Asshat son tells the guards to inform the king that Elendil is the one to blame for the “uprising.” 

Back at the forge, “old queen” Celebrimbor expresses his concerns to Sauron/Annatar about the potential fault in the Dwaren rings. Sauron/Annatar places blame on the dwarf king, saying, “He is misusing his ring and seeking to deflect blame.” Celebrimbor doesn’t believe this, so Sauron/Annatar gives him a mini-lecture on…manipulation. WHAT THE HELL, SHOW!? THERE ARE PRACTICALLY NO STAKES AT ALL!! NO MANIPULATION! THE CHARACTERS ARE DOING THIS STUFF ALL ON THEIR OWN!! Because they’re all basically evil on this show. Celebrimbor asks Sauron/Annatar if he did anything to alter the rings; he says no and, after a pause, says, “But we did.” Well, he isn’t wrong. Celebrimbor asks what he means, and THE DARK LORD legit states that they “brought deceit into the process” by that letter. He then says they must confess to the High King or continue to forge the nine more in secret. 

Durin IV is with his father, telling him that he visited Eregion and is convinced there’s devilry in the rings, and they must not use them anymore. The king does not appear to be listening at all, for he goes on a spiel, proclaiming he needs his son by his side and offers back his title of prince. Disa is waiting at home for her husband, and when he enters the room, she immediately sees that gold neck decoration thing that signifies his title was given back. Durin explains that he tried to reason with his father, but to no avail. Disa makes him swear never to wear one of the rings, which he does. 

“Old queen” Celebrimbor is once again giving a speech to the other smiths, saying they must work harder than before and create the nine rings for the race of Men together, to the very best of their ability, and should they fail, they will no longer be smiths. Also, apparently, making the nine rings will “bring balance and redeem us all.” As Celebrimbor leaves, the other elven smiths whisper their concerns about him, and Sauron/Annatar tells them not to be discouraged. THIS SHOW IS STUPID. 

And now come the Orcs!! Remember?? The Orcs, who only want to raise their families, live a quiet life without any war?? The army has arrived outside Eregion. Elrond, who apparently runs very quickly, is now before the High King Gil-galad and informs him that Guyladriel was right to send the army to Eregion as he holds out her ring to him. The High King dismisses this, saying he knows Sauron is at the root of all this—OH REALLY??? NO SHIT SHERLOCK!! He says the armies cannot defeat both Adar and Sauron’s army—alone. 

Back to the Orcs, a couple are wheeling a covered cage on a wagon through their camp, and when it stops, one steps forward to part the curtains to reveal… GUYLADRIEL IN THE CAGE!! (I will not lie; I was laughing hysterically at this point). The Orc nearest appears about to stab at her through the bars when suddenly… they set her free. No joke. But the same Orc who was about to stab her comes forth again when Adar appears, stopping the Orc. Then, Guyladriel, being the girl boss Commander of the Northern Armies that she is, grabs hold of Adar with a pocketknife-looking thing at his throat. He speaks to her in piss-poor Sindarin, saying, and I quote, “I brought you here not as a prisoner, but as a potential ally. For we share a common enemy.” 

The scene flashes to Sauron/Annatar at the forge, making more rings. 

For the… however many times stated in this review, THIS SHOW IS STUPID PLEASE DO NOT WATCH IT! Save your sanity. 

***

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