The Last of Us Part 2 Receives International Condemnation

Satire

“The Last of Us Part 2 is Officially a War Crime”

Pen has been put to paper this week in Geneva, Switzerland, where on June 19th, 2020, 195 countries signed a new resolution which made the playing of Neil Druckmann’s game, The Last of Us Part 2, a war crime. The only country who refused to sign was North Korea, allegedly because they have been using these techniques on prisoners of war since the release of The Last Jedi in December of 2017, where the country has reported 200,000 deaths simply from watching the film more than once.

The representative from Iran, Mustaf Herod Apyur Pouper, went on record saying, “Every day across the world, we see atrocities happening in ways that the original signers of this document could not even imagine. With this resolution, we are proud to stand beside so many countries in finally calling for civility and integrity.”

The representative from North Korea, Ho Lee Fuk, was less than pleased when asked about this new measure. “Go f**k yourselves.”

This resolution is an additional article to the third Geneva Convention, which applies to prisoners of war, and the fourth Geneva Convention, which affords protection to civilians, including in occupied territory. As reports came out of North Korea that the game was not only being shown as a method of torture, it is being considered for pay in America to the general population as a way show the future of a society where Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez is president. 

Along with this being an international case in regards to war, it is also being closely looked at by international health officials. The World Health Organization is monitoring cases of T-LOU2 around the world. In one specific case in China, T-LOU2 was reportedly played at the Apple factory in Zhengzhou. Thirty-five workers took a break and tried playing. At the end of their breaks, all thirty-five workers flung themselves from the thirteenth floor. Luckily, there are already suicide nets around the building, so, the workers were bounced back to the windows from whence they came and told to get back to assembling their iPhones.

Overall, this is being treated as a militaristic international threat. The signers of the convention now turn to the members of the United Nations to oversee the difficult task of enforcing this measure. The representatives from Botswana, Djabouti, Ukraine, and Trinidad and Tobango are rumored to be introducing this measure to the floor, where an elite task force will be assigned to purge the world of this atrocity.