British Humour is Different

Great post. Being British myself I loved it.

Here’s some Tommy Cooper.

1) One day a waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital. He was lying on the table in great pain. When a doctor passed by the waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?” The doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”

2) I said to the waiter: “There is no chicken in this chicken soup.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

3) I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

4) I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.

5) My wife dislocated her jaw and couldn’t talk so I phoned the doctor and told him to drop round anytime, in a few weeks or a few months.

6) My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

7) Show me a man who lost all his money and can still laugh and I’ll show you an idiot.

8) As my father used to say: “Never cry over spilt milk. It could have been whiskey.”

9) You can lead a horse to water but teach him to lie on his back and float and you’ve got something.

10) Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

11) I sleep like a baby. Every morning I wake up screaming around 2 o’clock.

12) I worry that as soon as I get into bed I drop off. I better order a bigger bed.

13) My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.”

14) I saw an old tramp walking down the street wearing one shoe. I said: “Hey, you lost your shoe.” He said: “No I found one.”

15) These shoes are killing me. They are so tight my big toe and my little toe are now going steady.

16) I tried to swim the channel once. But I used too much grease. I kept slipping out of the water.

17) They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?

18) They’ve got a big sign that says “no smoking in the pool”. Are they afraid the water will catch fire?

19) The plumber asked the woman where is the drip. She said: “He’s in the bathroom trying to fix the leak.”

20) This officer stopped me and said: “Why are you driving with a bucket of water on the passenger’s seat?” I said: “So that I can dip my headlights.”

21) This guy walked up to me the other night and said: “Quick, did you see a policeman around here?” I said no. He said: “Good. Stick’em up.”

22) When I play the accordion I always cry. It keeps pinching my stomach.

23) My uncle was a great conductor. He was struck by lightening.

24) I took saxophone lessons for six months. Until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?

25) I just invested a step ladder, without steps. So clearly windows are on the ground floor.

26) My father invented a burglar alarm but someone stole it.

27) Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that of we didn’t have electricity we’d be watching television by candle light?

28) I was a big surprise to my parents. They found me on the doorstep. They were expecting a bottle of milk.

29) When the nurse told my mother she had an eight pound bundle of joy. She said: “Thank goodness the laundry is back.”

And finally…

30) Caerphilly is the healthiest place in the country. When I first arrived there I couldn’t say a word. I didn’t have a single hair on my head and I didn’t have the strength to walk across the room. How long was I there? I was born there.