Star Wars: A Chronology of Disappointment

Star Wars: Originally, it was just “Star Wars.”  Saw it in 1978 as a kid. Loved it. Got the action figures.

Star Wars: The Holiday Special.  Saw part of it on television when it aired. I remember it vividly because I was deathly ill. Merchandise around

that time I got was the Wookiee Storybook and Cookbook. It might have been around this time I listened to the Radio Drama. Incredible. Star Wars

was becoming a phenomena.

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. Wow. It was as if the whole world changed. This was the beginning of something. Before this, there is no way

that ‘fans’ were as happy as after watching The Empire Strikes Back. Possibly not since. Blade Runner, Indiana Jones were next to be unleashed…

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. Originally, “Revenge of the Jedi.”  By this time we were buying everything that said Star Wars on it. Presto-magix.

Shrinky-Dinks. Soap. Puffy Stickers. Anything. But the quality was starting to go down. The comics kind of looked like shit. We were not expecting

Ewoks. The Ewoks did become a bit of a letdown, but the ending with the Emperor meant so much that we let it go. The Marvel Star Wars comics series ends.

Star Wars: The Television Years.  Those of us who watched these probably wondered in astonishment, as we were watching something quite terrible.

It had potential, promises, and even with the characters and ideas they had, could have been good, but was just plain awful. An awful so mixed with

‘boring’ and ‘un-inspiring’ and uselessness that the Star Wars Droids and Ewoks figures all ended up at the ‘dollar stores’ of our time, like Big-Lots and

TG&Y. Bargain bins overflowed with Ewoks and Droids merchandise… failure. The live-action TV movies were such let-downs that most people just

pretended they never saw them–they didn’t exist.

Star Wars: The Dark Horse Years.  Unfortunately during this time, I was pre-occupied with other things. Things like ROBOTECH. Japanese

animation. Music. I purchased some the of audiobooks of some novels, and dramatizations on cassette tape, like Dark Empire which I thought was

okay, but not quite the level of entertainment or inspiration as the originals. At this time I assumed that Star Wars was dead. However, GEORGE LUCAS

did an interview on the radio where he explained that there were a total of 9 movies planned, and the next three would be Episodes 1, 2, and 3.

We assumed that Star Wars would never return… until…

Star Wars: The Prequel Era.  I ran out and purchased the soundtrack before the movie was released several days later. I got home played the music, and

dreamed of a return to the inspiration of the originals… the clone wars would be explained, the story of Anakin Skywalker and Obiwan would be told,

and more insight into the Jedi … what did we get?

Star Wars: The Dream. Before watching Episode I, I had a dream that I saw it. The dream was me sitting in a movie theater. The opening scene was

of a young 20-something Anakin in the desert of Tatooine, and up drives a car with a giant Green Goblin Head on the front of it. Driving the car was

“Bob Fett” and he tried to sell drugs to Anakin. The car speeds off and some sort of punk-rock song begins with the title Phantom Menace appearing

dripping in blood… George Lucas punked us all! Then I woke up. Unfortunately this absurd ‘meta’ movie I saw in a dream was far ahead of its time…

at the time I thought it was cool. After the LAST JEDI, I see that it would have been a horrible choice. However…

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.  Terrible. But, sorry, I had to watch it several times to realize just how bad it was. I came to this conclusion before

Attack of the Clones came out, but I believed that it would at least be better.

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. When I walked out of the theater I think I was more astonished than I was for Phantom Menace. It was just silly. It

was shit. Pieces were there for it to be good, but it was still shit. I was actually thinking, I don’t think I’m going to bother with EPISODE III. What

a terrible thing that Star Wars was now shit.

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. The lead up to Revenge of the Sith was 9-11. I reluctantly went, more or less hoping at least I would know and be able

to describe how bad it was to people, and I did not enjoy myself.

Star Wars: The Red Letter Media Years.  I was totally on board the RLM Plinkett films when they began to appear. I had worked on a George Lucas

parody short film myself. People were still miffed about how terrible it was. In the end the Prequels’ value comes down to memes and parodies, and

the love of them seems to come down to the same kind of love for the Toxic Avenger movie series.

Then one day…

George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney. Immediately, I said to myself. Oh my God, they’ll trash it. It will be shit beyond belief. It will be hacked to death

and reconstructed to sell some sort of weird corporate ideology.

Star Wars: The Disney Years.  I  still haven’t watched Rogue One.  I bought Star Wars: The Force Awakens at Dollar General. I watched it. Two

weeks before the release of THE LAST JEDI.  I knew Luke showed up at the end, and didn’t really want to wait years to find out what he does. You

know what I did two weeks later? I skipped it. I read some reviews and I knew this was the death of Star Wars. Before Jeremy did. The funny thing is,

when nothing I did on the internet criticizing George Lucas and the  ruin of franchises got any traction, and then THE FANDOM MENACE was born.

I watch a few minutes of THE LAST JEDI eventually, but it was nauseating. Never watched SOLO. Haven’t seen THE RISE OF SKYWALKER. It was over

with for me years ago.

I don’t think people should discard it all. In fact I just bought the Phantom Menace on DVD for $2 at a thrift store. For the memes.

Star Wars isn’t really dead, at least the originals. It really isn’t. And this is coming from a Red Letter Media fan who produced Star Wars memes

for years before the asshole even sold it to Disney. I still say, keep the faith, baby. Keep the faith.

• This topic was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Sternwise.