WWE SummerSlam Results (2023)
WWE SummerSlam Results
Danny Damage | Aug 5, 2023 |
WWE SummerSlam 2023 results and commentary from Danny Damage!
WWE SummerSlam Results (2023)
While Vince McMahon prepares for another trip to court by claiming he’s had spine surgery recently (my guess is it was a back massage), the Kick-Off Show had Titus O’Neil present three charity organizations and announce they’re getting $20,000 each. That would be a very charitable gesture from me and you, but Vince has publicly spent more than that on female companionship in the time it took me to type this sentence.
Amusingly, there’s no sign of Bud Light tonight. On top of that, Kid Rock did the cold open for the show. What a demonstration of back-peddling! WWE obviously got too much of a stink on itself after announcing the Bud Light promotional crossover last month. Instead, WWE has rekindled an old partnership and given the C4 energy drink that spot.
Logan Paul vs. Ricochet
Winner: Logan Paul (pinfall)
Surprisingly, these two restrained themselves from going 100 MPH once the bell rang. Logan Paul got the upper hand and started working the crowd while kicking Ricochet around for a bit and working on his ribs.
They took to the air soon enough. Both guys are great at doing the flippy stuff, and it remained tasteful and relatively believable. It was a nice opening match to warm the crowd up, and they didn’t do every move possible so that nobody else had anything left to do.
Ricochet missed the 450 splash, and one of Paul’s minions slipped some brass knuckles onto his boss’ hand. This allowed Paul to KO-punch Ricochet for the win.
The illegal assistance wasn’t really needed for Paul to win, as he’s knocked people out with his bare right hand in the past. I’m guessing they just didn’t want Paul to win clean. It’s hard not to appreciate how far he’s come in such a short time.
Cody Rhodes vs. Brock Lesnar
Winner: Cody Rhodes (pinfall)
Cody Rhodes took the fight to Brock Lesnar as soon as he heard the bell but was soon overpowered. The Dusty Rhodes Tribute Act Cody spent most of the match getting beaten down and tossed around by a methodic Lesnar.
At one point, Brock started throwing Cody outside the ring and sitting back while waiting for a count-out victory. Every time Cody got up and back in the ring, Lesnar became more and more infuriated. Instead of just hitting Cody with an F5 in the ring and pinning him in three seconds, Brock fixated on trying to get Cody counted out with a ten-count. F5s to the floor and through the announce table didn’t get the job done, so Lesner took Cody back to Suplex City in the ring.
Cody’s comebacks were all flattened by Brock, but a turnbuckle cover was removed during one of them, so expect that to come into play later.
After escaping Brock’s submission, Cody pushed the Beast into the exposed buckle and tried to get Lesnar to tap out to his own move. Brock powered out of it and went for the F5, but Cody slipped behind him and hit three consecutive Cross Rhodes to win the match.
After the fight, a humbled Lesnar offered a handshake and raised Cody’s hand before leaving the winner to celebrate.
Slim Jim Battle Royal
Winner: LA Knight
Okay, I’m typically the first to jump on Vince/WWE for whoring their talent out by wedging Sheamus into a Cricket Wireless commercial or making Dolph Ziggler dance around while dressed up as the KFC colonel. With that said, if someone were to chuck a Slim Jim to LA Knight mid-promo, and he took a bite, put it over in one line, and then continued with what he was saying, it could work seamlessly.
Anyway, the crowd got excited when Omos was eliminated by everyone in the ring and whenever LA Knight did anything, especially when he clotheslined Sheamus out at the end. Hopefully, this is the start of big things for Knight.
Ronda Rousey vs. Shayna Baszler (MMA Rules)
Winner: Shayna Baszler (TKO)
An interesting, hard-hitting match. I doubt it was everyone’s cup of tea with the MMA presentation, though. They had a good exchange of holds and counters before Shayna Baszler caught Ronda Rousey in the Kirifuda Clutch and made her pass out.
Well, it seems Ronda’s done, and that’s a bit sad. In my opinion, WWE rushed Rousey from the start. She didn’t need to be a super baby face when she first came in; she could have been Stephanie McMahon’s bodyguard, fought her battles, and eaten shit for months. They should have built that and let Steph abuse her power for a while AND THEN have Ronda finally stand up for herself, to the crowd’s salivating approval. Rousey could have still been learning everything in the background without exposing too many of her newbie flaws, but getting her front and center was part of Steph’s invention of women/women’s wrestling.
They’ve rushed this feud to get to tonight’s result, too, but if injured parties changed plans, then I guess it can’t be helped.
The torch has been passed, and Ronda can now go off and have more kids/expand her farming business/whatever she chooses to do.
Gunther vs. Drew McIntyre (Intercontinental Title)
Winner: Gunther (pinfall)
If you’re a fan of two giant slabs of meat battering the piss out of each other, this one’s for you. If you’re a fan of a good old-fashioned brawl, you’ll get some fun out of this too.
Both men are veterans of the business and know exactly what they’re doing. Because of the size and brutality of Gunther, Drew McIntyre got to mix it up and play the underdog, fighting from underneath.
The finish came when Drew looked to be setting up for a super-plex, but Gunther pushed him off, and Drew crotched himself on the top rope. Gunther followed this up with a splash, lariat, and powerbomb combination to retain his belt.
Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor (World Heavyweight Title)
Winner: Seth Rollins (pinfall)
Now, there wasn’t anything wrong with this match, but I feel like we’ve seen it a lot already. Maybe we didn’t need to see it again on an already-loaded card.
Partway through the scrap, Judgment Day came out to cause all kinds of distractions, and they almost inadvertently cost Finn Balor the match. Once he’d had enough of their shenanigans, Seth Rollins launched himself to the outside and took out Finn’s backup, which in turn opened the door for Balor to take control.
Inevitably, Finn couldn’t finish off Seth, so Damien Priest planted his Money in the Bank briefcase in the ring and got the referee to turn his back. Unfortunately for Balor, Seth clocked what was going on and Curb Stomped Finn’s head into the briefcase as he bent over to pick it up.
Asuka vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Bianca Belair (WWE Women’s Title)
Winner: Bianca Belair (pinfall)
The usual triple threat daftness reared its ugly head here; people hiding outside until it was their turn, convoluted three-way holds/maneuvers, rope breaks toggling on/off mid-match, and so on.
The Ric Flair Tribute Act Charlotte Flair tossed Bianca Belair over the top rope, and she caught a leg on the steel steps. This caused a medical crew to start escorting her out of the arena. However, Belair pushed them away and hobbled back to the ring while Flair had Asuka in the Figure Eight. Instead of just getting in the ring and pinning Charlotte’s shoulders to the mat (trapping her, as previously exploited by others), Bianca did a 450 off the top and only got a two-count.
The other dumb AF part of this is that Belair’s legs were already knackered; she just pointlessly added to the damage caused. For the moment, this didn’t matter as long as all the lasses made Belair look really strong, pal.
Flair locked Belair in the Figure Eight, but Asuka sprayed Charlotte with the mist and tried to head-kick Bianca. Belair ducked it and rolled up Asuka (while her legs were still tangled in Flair’s) for the win.
This wasn’t the end of the story, as IO SKY and Bayley ran down and laid waste to everyone. IO cashed in her Money in the Bank briefcase, hit Bianca with her moon sault, and won the belt.
Quick side note: The women’s belts have been renamed and are a bit confusing. Instead of having a champ for each brand, IO’s “WWE Women’s” belt is opposed to Rhea Ripley’s “Women’s World” title. JFC.
Roman Reigns vs. Jay Uso (Tribal Combat/Undisputed Universal Title)
Winner: Roman Reigns (pinfall)
We got what’s become a rather formulaic Roman Reigns match for our main event. By that, I mean that Reigns got to strut around and audition for as many Hollywood roles as possible for the first 20 minutes, then we all eventually got to find out the ending to this part of the story.
The main difference between this Reigns match and others is that this was under “Tribal Combat”/no disqualification rules. This meant the referee had a night off, as there was no bump needed for Roman to utilize underhanded tactics.
Once Jay was in charge, he filled the ring with steel chairs and started wearing them out over Reigns’ back, but this backfired when Jay got power-bombed onto a pile of chairs. Reigns next set up a table, but ended up getting Samoan Dropped through another.
Jay escalated things when he produced a leather strap from under the ring and began belting Roman with it. Reigns wanted none of that and ran away into the crowd. Solo Sikoa appeared and put Jay through a table with a Spinning Solo and then dragged Jay back to the ring.
They went for the Spear & Spike combo, but Jay pulled Solo into Roman’s line of fire. Jay then hit his own Spear on Reigns but only got a two-count. A steel chair helped Jay keep both threats down until the heels lured him outside and double-teamed him again.
Then Solo remembered Roman Speared him moments before, and he squared up to the Tribal Chief. This gave Jay an opening to Spear Reigns through the barricade and splash Solo through the announce table.
Jay looked to have the match won when he hit the Splash off the top, but a hooded figure pulled him out of the ring and super-kicked him. It was Jimmy Uso.
Finally, Jimmy threw his brother into the ring, and Roman picked up the victory by spearing him through a table.
Get comfortable, everyone. I don’t think Roman’s dropping that belt until he gets a movie deal bigger than The Rock’s first outing.
– OLDER RESULTS –
AEW Collision (June 17th, 2023)
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