Top 10 Tomb Raider Colonialisms

Satire

Colonialisms are serious business, and so is taking down the patriarchy. Throughout history, colonialism has made its mark upon the world and scarred millions, if not billions, as a result. As an elevated and highly enlightened society, we must strike fast and hard when colonialism pops up its ugly head; we must not let it breathe for the sake of humanity. It is of existential importance that we take colonialism seriously as the extreme threat it is.

It has taken a long time for people to notice, but the colonial chickens are finally coming home to roost for Lara Croft’s Tomb Raider. It shouldn’t be much of a surprise, though; I mean, she is British. After all of the video games, magazines, three movies, and an upcoming Netflix anime show, people are finally opening their eyes to the oppressive colonialisms of Lara Croft and Tomb Raider. Where to begin?

Instead of writing a long Twitter thread or some boring Wikipedia entry, I’ve decided to break down Tomb Raider’s sins in an exciting Top Ten list, starting with number ten and rated from the least colonial to the most colonial at number one. I know this may be hard for some of you, but it’s OK. We will all get through this together and become stronger because of it. Let’s begin.

10. The oppression and eradication of underrepresented species, killing dinosaurs, centaurs, and even Bigfoot. What was once extinct miraculously became unextinct, and Tomb Raider eviscerated them like it was nothing. Who knows how they came back? I guess it doesn’t matter because no one else will ever get to experience dinosaurs because Lara Croft just had to kill them. Forget about it!

9. Lara Croft is a narcissist who’s addicted to attention and fame. Video games were a great start for Lara and her dominatrix mindset. Tomb Raider was a huge success, but it was only the beginning. Video games would never be enough to satisfy Lara. The next thing you know, Angelina Jolie (one of the most popular and recognizable actresses at the time) is starring in the Tomb Raider motion picture as Lara Croft, which only inflated Lara’s already over-inflated ego even more. She’s made card games, comic books, two pop music albums, and now has a new anime show coming out on Netflix. Her thirst for attention, and world domination, will never be fully quenched.

8. The workers who built her mansion were never paid. Same with the hedge maze. I swear, these people.

7. Lara Croft has appeared on more than 1,100 magazines, which is more than any supermodel, ever. How does a digital video game character make it onto so many magazine covers? Gaming is a big market, but it’s not that big. Oddly enough, Lara Croft’s real dad (Eidos Interactive) went to court to prevent Playboy magazine from using Lara Croft’s image, and Tomb Raider’s logo.

6. She has huge boobs. Nobody has ever talked about someone else’s boobs as much as they have about Lara Croft’s, and nobody has ever sparked as much cultural controversy as Lara Croft has with her boobs. There have been more articles written just about Lara Croft’s boobs than there have been about Ukraine. Speaking of Ukraine, there has been more money spent on Lara Croft’s boobs than there has been sent to Ukraine by the US government. 

5. She acts like she’s the only one ever to have daddy issues, and let’s face it, Lara Croft has serious daddy issues. She spends all her time searching ancient, empty places where nobody has been in hundreds of years, looking for “priceless artifacts” – hoping that (one day) she’ll find her dad.

I’m not afraid to talk about the pink elephant-size latex implants in the room; Lara Croft has fake boobs. Not only are they fake, but (I mean) come on, people… they’re f*cking huge! They’re “I have serious daddy issues, slap me in the face harder” size huge.

4. Tomb Raider is responsible for stopping at least two different apocalypses she started from almost happening. Lara Croft has a love/hate relationship with apocalypses. Their communication must be a problem, because it’s pretty obvious that the apocalypse just wants to have a friends-with-benefits type of relationship. Lara, on the other hand, wants an actual relationship, and is just acting like she’s cool with the friends-with-benefits thing for now.

Lara has never met a man who wasn’t in love with her and whom she wasn’t able to emotionally colonize, so she’s super confident that the apocalypse is just playing games and will eventually submit.

3. She’s white. And not only is she white, but she’s posh white. Posh white is like the holy grail of oppressive white supremacist colonialists. Lara Croft is like “part of the patriarchy” white. Colonialism is like tea and biscuits, or bangers and mash, to Lara. It’s in her blood.

2. She’s a British woman.

Bonus Colonialism. Lara is extremely homophobic. Considering her white supremacist patriarchal history, it’s not a stretch to say that Lara is also racist and dangerously transphobic, which we all know are big no-nos today in our beautiful progressive society.

1. She started the female empowerment movement. Feminism has taken a scary turn ever since Eidos Interactive released the first Tomb Raider in 1996. Named “the female Indiana Jones,” Lara Croft has archeologically put women, and feminism, on an unfortunate path of no return. Before Tomb Raider, women were progressing far beyond men and their single-minded, sexually exploiting, desire-driven motivations. After Tomb Raider, though, women have basically become complete equals to men, leaving everyone’s minds in the smut gutter. Because of Lara Croft’s Tomb Raider, women have realized that they, too, can seize power if they’re willing to embrace horrifying colonialism. The rest is history.

We, as a society, have practically worshiped a racist, transphobic, white supremacist, patriarchal, colonialist, living digital demon, only to realize that it is now too late to go back, and we must accept responsibility for creating such a disgusting and iconic figure. 

“World domination or bust!” –Lara Croft

Shout out to Melonie Mac for helping me with her extensive Tomb Raider knowledge! Go follow her. She’s awesome and definitely not colonial, racist, transphobic, or homophobic!